<<< THE MAN O' ICE >>>
by Anonymous
There was once a man, thought to be made of ice, called, of course, Man'O'Ice.
Now, you might think to yourself that his name arose from the fact that he was
cold and heartless. On the contrary, he was warm, and seemingly had a heart big
enough for two people. The name arose from the fact the a woman's touch, or
rather grope, would melt him into a babbling puddle of stagnant water. For in
all actuality, this poor boy was a sadomasochist, and he loved nothing more
than sharing this with the entire world. And so, everyday, like clockwork, this
poor boy, whom for brevity we will call Rog from now on, would walk to the
local tree and post messages of his recents tragedies. In fact, as his life
seemed to be as long and tragic as the Odyssey, the artful Rog's work soon
occupied the entire forest. Because of the sudden decline in the lumber
industry, he was soon banished to the the land of Columbus. And so, the artful
dodger was reduced to a tragic poet from afar, singing his love, the Roxette
way, the true way, to Katie. Except on Tuesdays, when he attempted to seduce
Michaele. And Thurdays, when he harassed Kristen. And of course, Saturdays,
when Mr. Wenk and Rog would tussle over various things. But otherwise, he was
totally devoted. Miss Katie could fuck dogs in the middle of Sunday Mass for
all he cared. He would still love her, and she would always be his, even though
they had broken up several decades earlier. Even the power of the law wouldn't
stop him. Restraining order? Merely a nuisance. Guard dogs? Simply cute puppies
in his eyes of longing and lust. And so Roger died alone, his last muttering
a simple one.
"Computer, dial Freenet.
"Upload TragicStoryaboutMe102453234.txt.
"Damn. Usenet is down."
[Lights Dim, and Roger slumps to the floor.]